Helping Children Cope with Your Separation and Divorce
Some Suggested Do's and Don'ts
DO:
- DO remember that the children need to love BOTH parents
- DO encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce
- DO be patient with the children
- DO tell the truth about the divorce so far as you are able
- DO offer comfort, warmth, and support
- DO reassure the children that the divorce is an adult problem (they did NOT cause the divorce)
- DO reassure the children that you will always be their parents
- DO take care of yourself and your own well-being
- DO preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum
- DO try to build similar rules and routines in both homes
- DO use the family, support groups and professionals for help
- DO learn about the normal responses of children to divorce
- DO set up a place for children's belongings during the visiting
- DO make significant adults in the children's lives aware of the divorce, including teachers, counselors, doctors, baby-sitters.
DON'T:
- DON'T send messages to your former spouse through the children
- DON'T ask children to keep secrets from your former spouse
- DON'T use the children as pawns in power struggles with your former spouse
- DON'T belittle and criticize your former spouse in front of the children
- DON'T tell the children what to think or feel
- DON'T ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your former spouse
- DON'T use the children as confidants or substitutes for your former spouse and friends
- DON'T compare your feelings to those that your children have
- DON'T block your children's wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings
- DON'T put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your former spouse
Books for Families about Divorce
Books are a way to provide support for children who need contact, reassurance, warmth and support from those they love. The books below can help. They can be found at your local library or bookstore.
For parents:
- The Parents Book About Divorce, Richard A. Gardener, MD., Bantam, N.Y. 1991
- Survival Skills for Single Parents! Paul J. Ciborowski, Statmar Edu, Systems, Port Chester, N.Y. 1988
- Growing Up Divorced, Linda Francke, Simon Schuster, N.Y., 1983
- Explaining Divorce to Children, Earl Grollman, Beacon Press, Boston, 1969
- Crazytime, Abigail Tratford
- Mom's House Dad's House, Isolina Ricci, Ph.D., Macmillan Publishing Co., 1980
- Divorce Hangover, Anne Walter, M.S., Pocket Books, 1991
- The Dollars and Sense of Divorce, The Financial Guide for Women, Judith Briles, Mastermedia, 1988
For children of all ages
- The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce, Richard A. Gardener, M.D., Bantam, N.Y. 1970
For children ages 3-6:
- Dinosaurs Divorce, Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown, 1985
- Daddy Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Betty Boegehold, Western Publishing, Wisconsin, 1985
- The Divorce Workbook, Sally Ives and Others, Waterfront Books, Vermont, 1985
- A New Room for William, Sally Grindley
- Two Homes, Claire Masurell
- Divorce is a Grown-up Problem, Janet Sinberg, Avon, N.Y. 1978
For children ages 7-11:
- A Month of Sundays, Rose Blue, Watts, N.Y. 1972
- It's Not the End of the World, Judy Blume, Bradbury Press, N.Y. 1972
- How Does it Feel When Your Parents Get Divorced? Terry Berger, Messner, N.Y. 1976
- Help! A Girl's Guide to Divorce and Stepfamilies, American Girl Library 1999
- My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, Lois V. Nightingale
For Pre-teens and Teens:
- Coping When Your Family Falls Apart, Diana Booher, Messner, N.Y. 1979
- What's Going to Happen to Me? Eda LeShan, Four Winds Press, N.Y. 1978
- How to Get it Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart, Arlene Richards, Bantam, N.Y. 1976
- How to Survive Your Parents' Divorce: Kid's Advice to Kids, Gayle Kimball
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